I wish I could teleport
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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