Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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