i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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