Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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