Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
you didnt know i had herpes?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
