i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
