my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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