He kissed a someone with a penis
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
