The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
