I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
