Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize