You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
