I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
