When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Randomize
