she was so not down for the gang bang
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
