I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
