he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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