bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
