Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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