The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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