big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
