He asked to "fluff my boner.."
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize