Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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