I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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