Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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