You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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