I feel great
I just peed on a car
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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