you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
