Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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