Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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