I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Found your dick twin last night
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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