In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Randomize