The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
