Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
