Your mouth is God's brothel.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Randomize
