a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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