dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
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