if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
