I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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