i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
