don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize