Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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