I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
