I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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