they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
