she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Randomize