and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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