We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
