i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
