I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
