I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
