I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize