The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
