But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
