So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
