She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
