We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
