I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
