I just saw a hot homeless man
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
