Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
did i walk over a car last night?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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