it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
