Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
